You’ve gotten married or have been married for a few years and you’re excited to get ready for children. Then your husband says he doesn’t want them. What do you do?
If your husband changed his mind about having a baby you will need to rely on communication with him to figure out the reason. Common issues involve finances, lack of a support system, a new job, moving house, medical issues, or already having children. While most reasons can be worked through with compromise there might not always be an easy solution.
This could be a definite curveball in your marriage, but it doesn’t mean it is the end. You are a team and you need to work together to find out why he changed his mind. Let’s look ahead for some reasons behind your husband’s thinking and what you both can do to come to a solution.
Table of Contents
My husband changed his mind about wanting a baby
You get married and everything is great and you dream of having a family. When the time comes, your husband says he doesn’t want a baby. This is unexpected and shocking to say the least. It definitely hurts and makes you question your marriage and what went wrong. Step back, take a breath, and try to see it from his perspective.
Communication is important! Did something happen in his childhood or maybe one of you lost your job? Marriage is a partnership and you can work through this together to find a solution. You have to sit down with your husband and figure it out.
Whatever it may be, figure it out together so you can come up with a solution you are both happy with.
My husband changed his mind about wanting another baby
If you already have at least one child who is growing up and becoming more independent, it’s not uncommon to start feeling the desire to have a sweet little baby back in your life.
Whether you and your husband started out wanting a house full and now it seems like he’s reconsidering adding more to your brood, or he’s suddenly decided your little one is going to be an only child, you always need to talk it out when you and your husband want different things for your family.
It’s natural to believe that your side of a discussion is right, but it’s important to find out his reason for changing his mind. As much as it may pain you to admit it, it’s possible he has a point. Knowing his reasoning may also help the two of you reach a compromise – maybe what he really means is “no baby now” and not “no baby ever.”
Why did my husband change his mind about wanting a baby
If your husband has changed his mind about wanting a baby, he probably has a good reason.
Before you jump to conclusions about why your husband has changed his mind about having a baby, you need to talk to him. The worst thing you can do in such a sensitive situation is to allow the topic to fester until you’re both so convinced that you’re right that it’s hard to hear what the other is saying.
Although only your partner can tell you for certain why his stance has changed, here are a couple of reasons you might no longer be on the same page:
- He’s not ready. It’s perfectly reasonable to go into a marriage with dreams of what your entire life together will be like, but not necessarily have the timeline planned out. Maybe he really wants kids one day, but today isn’t it.
- Finances are a concern. Kids are expensive, and each kid takes more from the budget. Find out if he’s crunched the numbers and is worried about being able to provide for the family.
- He just started a new job. It can be scary thinking about all sorts of life changes at the same time, especially if you don’t know if you’ll be at a job long-term. He may be craving professional stability.
- You don’t have a support system. You live away from both of your families and you don’t have help. Childcare can be expensive and he could worry about leaving the child with strangers. Also, having one of you stay at home might be a strain on the finances.
- Medical issues. If one of your families has a history of genetic disorders, he may be less inclined to have a child when it comes down the wire.
- A previous child was difficult for you. If you’ve had a child and the pregnancy or birth was difficult on you, he may be reluctant to put you through that again. It’s worth keeping in mind that chances are pretty good you don’t remember the hours you spent in labor, but he’s never going to forget not being able to protect you from the pain.
Sit down with your husband and figure out his reasons. Working together will help you come to a solution.
What do you do when you want a baby and your husband doesn’t
The most important thing you can do when you and your partner disagree is simply talk it out, unfortunately, that can also the hardest thing to do.
If you want a baby and your husband doesn’t, try making a comparison list of both of your reasons – you take the “pros” column and he can take the “cons.” You may be surprised by how much of each others’ columns you agree about.
Give it time
If your husband doesn’t want a baby, but you do, it can be hard to concede that he may right.
Instead of saying “we’re never having children” after one discussion, agree to table the conversation and come back to it, either after a change in situation (he gets a better job or the raise that will give you room in your budget for a baby) or a set period of time (agree to talk it out ever six or twelve months).
Talk to a professional
This one is dreaded by a lot of couples. There is no shame in asking for help with your marriage from a therapist or counselor. They are trained to help you work through your issues and better yourselves and your marriage. You can go to a couples counselor so both of you are heard. If it is something your husband needs to work out, he can see an individual therapist and you can see one on how to support and listen to his reasons. Whether you are religious or not, you can also reach out to your local church or religious affiliation. They offer counselors as well, along with resources to help you. There are many people that can help you talk things out.
Compromise
Some people say that compromise is the art of making sure no one gets what they want, but sometimes it really is the best way to appease both parties.
Only you and your partner can know what kind of compromise will work for your family, but you may find that both of you giving a little bit may be the only way for both of you to get what you want.
For example, if you spend your afternoons dreaming of a little baby with your eyes and his smile you were probably devastated when he told you that he doesn’t want to have a child because of a genetic disorder that runs in his family. It may not be your first choice, but don’t discount using a sperm donor or adopting a child. Even if the child is not genetically both of yours, you’re sure to love it just the same!
I changed my mind about wanting a baby
If you went into the marriage talking about having kids and then things changed and now you don’t want a baby, how do you tell your husband?
The most important thing you can do is calmly explain your reasoning to your husband. It is easy for emotions to get the better of both of you when broaching such an important topic, especially if he doesn’t see your change of heart coming.
No matter what the outcome, it is important that you both take this opportunity to really listen to each other and try to make it work.
I changed my mind about wanting another baby
It’s easy to dream about having a large family, but mom is most likely to the one in the trenches dealing with screaming babies, poopy diapers, and the terrible two’s, and it’s perfectly reasonable to decide, “no, I’m not doing this again.”
No matter what you were before your first baby, chances are there are times that now you feel like you’re just Mom. Whether it’s because you are ready to go back to work, don’t think you can handle another child right now, or have done the math and there simply isn’t room in the budget for another mouth, you know what you’re talking about.
Don’t forget that it is absolutely within your rights to change your mind about wanting another child.
Why I changed my mind about wanting a baby
If you have changed your mind about wanting a baby, you have a good reason.
No matter what your reason for changing your mind, you need to know how to clearly express it to your husband so he understands where you’re coming from. Don’t keep your decision from him, but also realize that a flat “my body my choice” ultimatum won’t get you very far in getting him to see your side.
Although everyone’s specific situation is different, try pinning down your reasons for changing your mind.
- You’re not ready. When you have a baby, it’s not as if your life is over, but it’s definitely going to change. If you are opting to leave the workplace and be a stay at home mom, this is even more true.
- You’re worried about money. You worry that a baby is too expensive and that it is not in the budget.
- You have medical concerns. You can be worried about potential health risks to you or the child long before you’re pregnant, but this can be even worse if you’ve gone through it before. If you had a difficult pregnancy or labor, you may simply not want to go through that again. If you’ve had a miscarriage, it is perfectly valid to be scared of something else happening.
- You’re worried you won’t be a good mom. You had a rough childhood and don’t feel you will be a good parent. You worry about how to raise a child and take care of them.
- You don’t want to lose time with your husband. You and your husband work a lot and spend time together. Is that going to change with a baby? If you already have a child or more, will that be a strain?
- You don’t have a support system. You live away from both of your families. You don’t have help taking care of the baby or more children.
- You want a career. You put a lot of time and effort into getting where you are, and you don’t want to give it all up to “just be mom.” This can be an especially difficult position to be in if you know that someone will end up leaving their job to take care of the baby, and you know it’s probably going to be you.
What to do when your husband wants a baby and you don’t
The most important thing you can do when you and your partner disagree is simply talk it out, unfortunately, that can also the hardest thing to do.
If your husband wants a baby and you don’t, try making a comparison list of both of your reasons – you take the “cons” column and he can take the “pro.” You may be surprised by how much of each others’ columns you agree about.
Give it time
If your husband has always wanted a baby, it can be hard to hear that you’ve changed your mind. Even more than you being dependent on him for a child, he needs you.
Instead of saying “we’re never having children” after one discussion, agree to table the conversation and come back to it. Later on, one of you may be in a position to fully support the family while the other (happily) stays home, or you may change your mind.
Talk to a professional
Going to a marriage counselor or couples’ therapist completely normal and healthy.
You can go to one for both of you and individually so you can feel heard and understood. Even if only one of you goes, or you go separately, finding ways to express what you’re feeling to yourselves can help you communicate better with each other.
If you are interested in religious organizations, they can offer counselors and resources as well.
Compromise
Once you’ve talked out your concerns with your husband, try to find a place between his “pros” and your “cons” where you can make it work.
Only you and your partner can know what kind of compromise will work for your family, but by talking it out you may find a situation that works for both of you.
For example, if you’re worried about losing your career to being a stay at home mom, discuss childcare options. Could you work part-time and leave your child in daycare a few days a week? What about letting your dad try his hand at being Mr. Mom?
How to change someone’s mind about having a baby
The first thing you need to acknowledge about trying to change your partner’s mind about wanting a baby is that you can’t force it.
No matter what side of the discussion you and your husband fall on, you need to respect each other’s stance on the subject and work on communicating clearly and honestly.
You may want to look into bringing in a neutral third party to help with the discussion, but this is a personal and sensitive subject so that person may be hard to find. A couple’s counselor or your pastor may be your best bet.
Although it’s difficult, you also need to face the reality that your mind may end up being the one changed, at least for now. Unless there is a really pressing circumstance, “not now, but later” may end up being the best option for everyone.
